He heard the alarm, but that only made him
want to smash the damn thing and sleep some more. He had actually done things
like that in the past which was why his last girlfriend had bought him three
different alarm clocks, and placed them all around his room; there was no way
he could get at them, put them off, and still go back to bed. Damn pretty women
with brains.
He got up reluctantly and put them all off
and then sat at the edge of the bed for a bit trying hard to will himself to
take the shower. Last night’s activities must have been really been something because for some reason, he dozed off again! This time, with no
alarms at the ready to wake him up, the next time he woke up was with a sinking feeling- he was late.
Jide looked at the time. 7.30am. That
wasn’t good because in Lagos, the difference between 6a.m and 7a.m was like... well let's just say he was in shit creek with no paddle.
Someone stirred and he looked at the reason
he was late. Well, even if he got a warning, it would be well worth it, for if
Jide Omisade had one weakness, it was pretty girls with beautiful bodies, and
wit.
The shower didn’t take him that long, and
neither did dressing up.Today was easy, he was going to work, meeting with a
client, then having drinks with another one of his friend’s that was betraying
bachelorhood; so, his light blue shirt with chinos, black belt, tie and shoes,
and some ‘Old Spice’ to charm the client. It was now 8a.m but he was sure with some
creative thinking (he’d blame a flat tyre), and some creative driving (he was
known as the king of 360 degrees turns right from secondary school), he could
still get away with it.
As for the vision in satin on her bed, he
knew she would let herself out and not call him till the next time her
dead-beat boyfriend went out of town and she needed ‘to talk’ And talking was
one thing he was great at.
So wrapped up was he in his plans that he
forgot not to count his chicks till they were hatched. There, right in front of
him was karma punishing him for even thinking of lying to his boss. Not only
did he have TWO flat-tyres with no jack in his car, but he now remembered his
happy and alcoholic self letting his brother ‘borrow’ his spare tyre the night
before. “Shit!” What to do? He had to think fast. He made a few calls, but he
was just too late and his colleagues living in that area had left already. Well
at least, he was sure of a ride back. He checked his physical cash, paltry. No
cab driver carried a pos machine around that’s for sure. He quickly
legged it to the nearest bank and tried the A.T.M. Damn! What was up today? The
damn machine was faulty! What was he going to do?
He stood there thinking. He could try to
get to another bank, or, he could…
“Yaba! Yaba!”
…He could get into that bus. Okay, the last
time he got into a bus was when he was in his first year at university and he
now worked in a company where you were judged based on what car you drove and
whether your shoes where by some designer with an unpronounceable name so
really, bus-hopping was frowned upon. Sometimes you’re desperate though. And
sometimes, you look into the bus and you see a pretty girl with long hair
sitting by the window, with the seat beside her vacant and suddenly, your
choice is made. He’d just get down and walk the rest of the way to work; no one
would ever know.
He got in and headed straight where his
brain, well the other one anyway, led him to, right beside her. He only hoped
to God that her voice would match her face, and wow, see that cleavage. Maybe
it was divine that he had a flat. “Don’t you just hate Monday mornings?” He
prayed she would give a half-decent reply. Even if she wasn’t witty, charming
or funny, all he needed was some indication that she wasn’t all bad. “Personally, I think Sunday evenings suck. It’s like
Mondays become the anti-climax, and every girl loves a climax”.
That’s it, he was getting married.
She was not only funny, but also a good
listener, rare for girls. He told her about how late he was for work and why he
was on that bus, and she told him nothing, but listened and smiled a lot. And
the journey would have been perfect had it not been for that one little snag.
He wasn’t sure where they were exactly, but
he was sure that he hated the next words he heard. “Eyin te mi, oya, ibon re
o”. He heard the words, and could see like five guys suddenly standing up and
brandishing weapons, but it didn’t sink in properly until the slaps began.
“I don’t believe this, are they for real?”
He asked her stupidly. Wasn’t it girls that asked stupid questions?
“It would seem, they look serious” She
replied needlessly.
He felt the need to protect her, impress
her. He leaned over and whispered, “I have a tazer you know, and we will be
fine”
“And lucky me, I know some judo”
“You seem pretty calm for someone who is
about to get robbed, or even worse.”
“Well, I have been known to work well under
pressure. Besides, you haven’t noticed, have you?
“Noticed what?”
She leaned into him and whispered right
back. “I’m with them”.
And then the lights went off.
“Oga, get up! Get up!”
He could hear voices. Some were directed at
him, but others were just all around. He had a splitting headache but struggled
to open his eyes. He was on the ground somewhere, and people were staring at
him; he also seemed to have, at some point, been drenched with water. At least
he hoped it was water.
“E don open im eyes oh”, he heard as some
people left, while others gathered still. “Oga. You well?” a young boy asked
him. Then he remembered everything. “Wetin happen?” He asked. This was not the
time for his Prep School English; some good ol’ pidgin was needed. “Na one
chance oh! E be like say you enter one chance”
Ah yes, of course. The bus, the thugs, and
the beautiful wench with the uppercut, or whatever that was she had done to
him. He looked around, nothing. Checked his pockets. Nothing. They had taken
everything; his watch, wallet, shoes…everything.
“Make you try stand oga, make you go see
Doctor”
.
“Thank you” He mumbled as he got on his
feet, his head still throbbing. A policeman came towards him. “Your lucky shine
o, na only you dem drop, dem come drive off again.” The police-man seemed more
interested in the gist than in say, maybe asking questions like how many they
were and where the bus was headed. Whatever, he wasn’t surprised, and he was
kinda grateful; I could be worse, they could hold him for questioning.
“Abi you go come give statement? You
remember anyone of dem?”. Tall, white shirt and grey pants, red lipstick and a
killer smile. “I no see dem well o, make I go hospital, e be like say my back
dey pain me, as dem trow me…” There was no way he was going to a police station
in Nigeria. No one was asking yet, but what if there was the lone smart officer
who would wonder, “How come you were the only one they let off the bus?”. He
could hazard a guess and he foolishly thought to himself about how he might not
have minded if she had held on to him for a few hours and ‘tortured’ him. But
wait, what if her other friends, them with the biceps and guns, wanted in on
the action as well? So, no statements, all he lost was money and shoes; oh but
those shoes!
He had to call his brother. Funny,
the policeman actually lent him his phone, so he called his brother. Thirty minutes
and several pure waters later, he was in a car, being driven to the clinic, and
then, he would go to work. Yeah, he might have just faced an ordeal but where
he worked, unless you were dead or buried alive, you showed up at work and
recuperated there.
The nurse at the hospital was actually
really pretty. Dare he hope..?
“O what a pitied, they ‘ave ‘urt you”, she
said. If they were pretty, they didn’t speak well. If they were pretty and
spoke well, they were armed robbers.
Go figure.
“Wetin be dis?” She asked as she helped him
take his shirt off. He had not felt it before but there it was, his sim wrapped
in a small piece of paper, taped to his shirt. He took it and out it in his
pocket, and then he noticed there was a note on the note.
“Get a new line, maybe I’ll give you a
call. I have your card after all”.
He didn’t know if that was good or bad, but
somehow, that just made his brain tingle.
Yes,
the other brain.
